Therapy for Gay Men
Growing up gay in a straight world can lead to shame, relationship struggles, or a sense of not belonging. Therapy with someone who understands can help you heal and live authentically.
“The roots of our trauma … are being a man in a hypermasculine culture and being a gay man in a decidedly straight world.”
— Alan Downs
The Hidden Cost of Growing Up Different
You learned early that parts of yourself weren't welcome in the world around you. Maybe you hid who you were to stay safe, developed hypervigilance about how others perceived you, or internalized messages that there was something wrong with being gay. Even if you're out and proud now, those early adaptations often leave lasting effects.
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You might find yourself struggling with shame that doesn't make logical sense, having difficulty with intimacy, or feeling like you don't quite belong anywhere—not straight enough for some spaces, not gay enough for others. These struggles aren't character flaws; they're the natural result of growing up in a world that didn't reflect or celebrate who you are.
The Unique Challenges Gay Men Face
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Sex, Apps, and Modern Gay Dating
Dating apps promise connection but often deliver a cycle of validation, rejection, and empty hookups that leave you feeling more isolated than before. You might struggle with the pressure to be sexually available while longing for genuine intimacy, or find yourself caught between the titillation and alienation that app culture creates.
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No Roadmap for Being Gay
Media gave you caricatures, not models for how to be a gay man. You're creating your own template—figuring out masculinity, relationships, and identity without clear examples. This freedom can feel overwhelming when you're trying to understand what kind of gay man you want to be.
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Sexual Identity and Body Relationship
Questions about anal sex, body image, performance, and desire don't get discussed in most therapy spaces. You might struggle with sexual shame, body worship pressures, or feeling like your sexuality is too complex or intense for others to understand.
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Cultural Code-Switching
You live in multiple worlds—maybe you're comfortable in West Hollywood but feel like you're performing straightness at family dinner. This constant shifting between gay-centered and heteronormative spaces can be exhausting and disorienting, making you feel like you don't fully belong anywhere.
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Internalized Homophobia and Shame
Despite intellectual acceptance of your sexuality, you might struggle with deep-seated shame or self-criticism that doesn't respond to logic. These feelings often developed early and can affect how you see yourself and what you believe you deserve.
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Family and Social Rejection
Whether your family was rejecting or just didn't know how to support you, growing up without full acceptance from the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally leaves wounds that affect all your relationships.
Treatment Path
Healing in Full Acceptance
In therapy with me, being gay isn't something we work around or minimize—it's central to understanding your experience and helping you heal. We explore how growing up in a heteronormative world affected your relationship with yourself and others.
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Using affirmative therapy approaches combined with emotion-focused and psychoanalytic work, we address both the specific challenges that come with being gay and the universal human struggles we all face. The difference is that your sexual orientation is understood and celebrated from the beginning.
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This work often involves processing family-of-origin issues, examining internalized messages about being gay, and developing a more integrated sense of yourself where all parts of your identity can coexist. You learn to trust your own experience and build relationships where you can be authentically yourself.
What Might Change After Therapy?
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Reduced shame: You accept and celebrate your sexuality without internal conflict
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Authentic relationships: You build connections where you can be completely yourself
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Family healing: You develop healthier boundaries with family while processing old wounds
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Community belonging: You find your place in both gay and mainstream communities
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Emotional intimacy: You develop the capacity for deep, vulnerable connections
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Self-advocacy: You stand up for yourself in situations where your identity isn't respected
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Integrated identity: All parts of who you are—gay, professional, family member—feel cohesive
Perspectives
Articles and resources to help you navigate life and learn more about therapy, relationships, and personal growth.